Being kinder than necessary
Summary
Regardless of how bad things may be, or how awfully people are screwing up around us, our behaviour is in our control. We always have the choice to be kinder than necessary to those around us.
The other day, I was in a State Bank of India (SBI) branch. If you’re in India, you know all the memes and jokes that denigrate this age-old, state-owned financial institution. That morning was faithful to all the stereotypes that surround State Bank. Long queues. Malfunctioning systems. Slow service and whatnot. Many customers had reasons to be upset.
As I took my place in one of the queues, an old Tamil gentleman approached the cashier’s window. He needed small change that the ATM wouldn’t dispense, but the cashier hadn’t yet begun their shift.. So he asked the lady at the service window before me, for help. That lady, let’s call her Reeva, was already handling a snaking queue of customers. Needless to say, she was under the pump and wasn’t having the best morning. So she informed the old gentleman that she expected the cashier to be late today and that he may have to wait a fair bit to get his cash. That was enough for the gentleman to fly off his handle and launch a verbal tirade against Reeva.
Meanwhile, Reeva’s service queue wasn’t getting any shorter. The eKYC (electronic know your customer) counter beside her had a malfunctioning biometrics device. That meant that Reeva’s seemingly inexperienced colleague would nudge her for advice every few minutes. The context switches weren’t making Reeva any faster.
And then another man came up the side of the queue and shoved a few papers through Reeva’s service window. She had to stop her work to examine the paperwork. The service queue got a bit longer. The Tamil gentleman got even louder in his remonstrations - Reeva being the recipient of his anger towards State Bank. Before Reeva could wrap her head around the chaos at her window, a Maharashtrian lady walked up straight to the window, disregarding the queue. She enquired about a service Reeva wasn’t responsible for. Call it unfortunate circumstances or what you will, and it turned out that the representative responsible for the Maharashtrian lady’s request wasn’t at work yet. Reeva played messenger again and told the lady she’d have to wait.
What ensued next was predictable. The Maharashtrian lady launched into her verbal assault. Between the Tamil gentleman and this lady, they used their angst to amplify the other’s.
“Good for nothing,” said the Maharashtrian lady.
“Worst customer service,” said the Tamil gentleman.
If Reeva ignored their insults and did her job, they’d accuse her of lacking empathy. If she assuaged their emotions after every insult, she’d ignore the customers in her queue. Her colleagues and customers weren’t making it easier by context-switching her every few minutes. The creaky online systems at SBI were probably compounding the problem. There was no way to win. Even if Reeva did her damnedest best that morning, she’d come out having endured abuse, insults, and dissatisfactory work.
There were problems at SBI that morning.
Reeva wasn’t responsible for those problems.
Last year, I read the book, “Wonder”. It’s a coming-of-age story of a ten-year-old boy with a severe facial difference who finds his place and friends in his new school. The school has a lovable principal - Mr Tushman - who makes a touching speech in the book’s ending chapter. Fictional as the story may have been, there’s a part of that speech that I’ve wanted to carry into my real life. Let me share a few passages, so you know where I’m getting at.
Mr Tushman, from Wonder
“In another book by J. M. Barrie called The Little White Bird … he writes …’Shall we make a new rule of life … always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?’
Kinder than is necessary. What a marvellous line, isn’t it? Kinder than is necessary. Because it’s not enough to be kind. One should be kinder than needed. Why I love that line, that concept, is that it reminds me that we carry with us, as human beings, not just the capacity to be kind, but the very choice of kindness.”
That morning, every irate customer at SBI had a reason to be upset. They may even have been justified in railing against SBI’s ineptitude or even the poor bedside manner of some State Bank employees. But every customer had a choice. To be kinder than is necessary.
So, I remembered what Mr Tushman said later in his speech.
“Such a simple thing, kindness. Such a simple thing. A nice word of encouragement given when needed. An act of friendship. A passing smile.”
I soon got my turn at Reeva’s service window. I noticed a sports jacket with her name printed on the back hanging at her chair. I said, “Reeva, ma’am?”. She nodded. I smiled at her and said, “Good morning.” She smiled back and greeted me. And that was enough.
The rest of my experience at SBI was nothing to write home about. The systems were slow. I had to make a customary withdrawal at the cashier’s window, so I had to wait a fair bit too. The cashier was in a sullen mood. Of the five tasks I wanted to complete at the bank that morning, I could only complete two. Stock standard SBI stereotypes? Big ticks.
Sure, you could argue that every SBI customer service representative should offer “service with a smile” under all circumstances. In theory, I’ll agree. In practice, I don’t know what it takes to be an SBI employee. For example:
How well do their jobs pay?
What are their bosses like?
How hard is it to navigate SBI’s computer systems?
To put it another way, I don’t know how hard it is to be a kickass SBI customer service rep. What seems easy from our perspective may well be an ordeal if we were to walk a mile in the other person’s shoes. But there is something I know from Mr Tushman’s speech.
“If every single person… made it a rule that wherever you are, whenever you can, you will try to act a little kinder than is necessary—the world really would be a better place.”
I don’t have pretensions to make the world a better place, but I sure can try to make my interactions with other human beings as pleasant as possible. It’s easy for me to greet another human being with a smile, even if I’ve spent 30 minutes in a queue. It isn’t necessary. But it’s easy. And the mantra is simple.
“Be kinder than is necessary.”
This is a website about work, so it would be odd if I didn’t include my SBI experience in my reflections about work. So here they are.
We often are quick to judge our colleagues after screw-ups and poor performances. It’s easy to conclude that they’re incompetent or that they lack drive. I wonder, though, if we can be kinder than is necessary by suspending judgment for a while. Criticising people only on the basis of results, may seem fair at first blush. But maybe, just maybe, those results are only a symptom of a rotten system that these colleagues can’t influence. Perhaps you underestimate or misjudge the complexity of their work. And if so, they deserve our empathy more than our judgment.
Inevitably, you and I will soon encounter colleagues who don’t deliver as we expect. The next time this happens, ask yourself what your kindest reaction can be.
Can you offer help?
Can you pair up and teach them something?
Can you try to find out what’s blocking them?
Can you wield influence, if you have it, to make their work lives more successful?
And if nothing else, can you just smile and let them know a screw-up isn’t the end of the world?
That this too shall pass?
That you’re in it with them?
Being kinder than necessary isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about small, intentional acts that create a ripple effect. These moments, repeated often, shape our work environments and teams.
Here’s my call to action: let’s not leave kindness to chance. Let’s make it a habit. Being kinder than necessary doesn't just make someone's day better or a transaction more pleasant — perhaps it can also makes work and the world a little better for everyone. As Mr Tushman said!